i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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