Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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