Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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