my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
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