she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
this will be a night to untag.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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