he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
