Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just blew my weed a kiss
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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