bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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