3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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