I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
