she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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