It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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