Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
