looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
