Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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