i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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