If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
