Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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