i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
