he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
