I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
cat food counts as protein by the way
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
did you just send me my own nude
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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