ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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