grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
