Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
