The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
