I'm so fucking centered right now
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
her vagine was all disorganized.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
