just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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