made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
