I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
