these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
