I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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