I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize