first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
