Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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