dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
