i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
