I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
why do cheetos always look like penises
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
