i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
