literally had 100 drinks last night.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
