My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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