At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Small penises have feelings too.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
