woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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