I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
