you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
