How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
