she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
