Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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