Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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