If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
