I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
