Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You may now shotgun with the bride
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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