By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm at about main and main street
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
