Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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