Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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