Who wears a wallet chain?!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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