go do what you do best...puke behind churches
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
How external is "for external use only"?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
