I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
