My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
