Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
