sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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