Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
