Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
