The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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