if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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